If Only

I look at life as always on the perspective where I would see the light despite the vast darkness or where I find clear waters despite raging tides and storm. I am very optimistic. I really do. For if not, I know I also could have been easily derailed from this track. I always try to make the lonesome parts of life happy, to glue the broken pieces of other's hopes and mine, and to clear smudges on the painting of my own dreams. It was as if always easier for me to do away with the worries, it was like always a good escape.

I think I have so much fervor and enthusiasm in almost everyhing. I do because I love what I do not merely doing what I love. Its also called contentment. But honestly, as I always do, to this point, I'm afraid I'm losing it. But that is the least I am wishing for. I need the same strength to hold my chin up and continue walking my path.

I have so much in my list I wanted to do. I have so much dreams I want to wake up having. I have so much hopes and aspirations, I pray I achieve. And I know with my persevarance I can make things happen, not now maybe but in the future that is for me to create and not merely see.

I want to teach in a university, to earn a Master's Degree, to pass another exam related to my profession, to start and grow a capital venture, to learn photography, to hone my skills in visual arts, to do more crafts, to build a house for my parents, to travel at least around the country, to volunteer for an NGO, to live more and help more.

But I'm afraid. I could not be that powerful to do all of them at the same time, as I always make myself comfortable with the art of muti-tasking. I must admit, I could not be that superwoman I used to think I could be. And with the present needs that is little by little accumulting in my bag of wants, where do I start then?

If only.

If I could also carry their dreams with mine. And make them happen as I carefully and unwearingly make mine. I hope it could be easier. I am not self-seeking, I don't.
If I could only have all we need and ask for, it wouldn't be hard, I wouldn't be guilty. It's stressful. Sometimes tiring. To seem to carry all on my just-developed shoulders. If I could, then I will. I am uncomplaining. It's hard for me to say no. I give what I can, more than how much I want it.

But I just don't have so much to give now. Time maybe, and as always, affection, but other than this simple luxuries, I have nothing. I can only boast on the intangibles I have acquired over the years of learning, of hoping, and of loving.

If only.

If I could ony be richer and more powerful, then it could be easy. But do I need them or they need it? I don't know. I fear I am being selfish, but the stronger fear is that, I might just make them depend on other's struggle and industry. I fear I will continue to inflict them fear of losing someone to hold on to. I fear I will not help them learn to stand on their own. And now, where will I stand? If I could only take both dreams and take more responisbilities, I could. It is for me to try anyway. Off I go?